I'm Not Here Anymore

Sooo, I've moved onto another place. If for some random reason you end up here, go to http://aprilnicoleadams.com. That will take you to a more updated location. PEACE!

The Fear of Success

There’s this lie I believe. I know it’s not true, but I still find myself following it. I tend to believe that not everything can go right, that as soon as life becomes good and starts “falling into place,” something horrible is going to happen to make sure things don’t get too good. This is life after all.

I’ve realized that even though I love God and associate Him with love and grace and all that is good and right in the world, I can also quickly view Him as a cruel puppet master just waiting for the optimal time to bring in the drama. I perceive God manages this balancing act with our lives where only so much good can happen for so much bad.

This is where the lie starts to take its toll. When everything in my life is going great and possibly “as planned,” I start to get nervous. While it doesn’t make sense, anxiety will creep in. My body goes into alert and I cautiously peek around corners like the boogyman may jump out instead of walking with confidence. I just know that something’s going to unravel the dream.

Then comes the self-sabotage. Because I believe that something bad is going to happen anyway, I abort the mission. For instance, in trying to lose weight, I’ll get off to a good start, but will eventually get nervous that perhaps all my hard work will be in vain. I figure with my luck, I’ll lose all the weight and get hit by a bus the next day … or even worse, right after I step off of the scale. That’s right, one will come plowing into my house and run me over.

Sometimes it feels like life happens that way, albeit not as extreme. Not long ago I checked my e-mail and received two great pieces of news, so I called my mom to share. She in turn told me that the skin cancer cells on my grandfather’s nose had returned and that he was going to see another specialist. The doctor would try to remove everything, but if he couldn’t, there wouldn’t be anything that he could do. The cancer would spread to his brain and cause a cruel, horrible death.

What a contrast. One minute I was up in the air only to be brought down again. It’s times like these I’m tempted to believe the lie because it looks so true. The truth though, is that good things happen and bad things happen. There’s good in this world and there’s evil. The Bible promises us trials; it doesn’t sugarcoat anything. God’s word is honest.

I’ve been trying to cover myself in that truth, knowing that this world isn’t the end. When I start to panic over tragedy that could happen, first, I remind myself that nothing bad has happened yet. In the present moment everything is fine. It also helps at this point to start recognizing all the good things that I have, even the “little” provisions, and thank God for them. Then I ask myself if there’s anything I can do to prevent this tragedy that hasn’t happened yet. 9.75 times out of 10 the answer is, “no,” so I accept that I have no control over that hidden brain tumor that could possibly be infiltrating my or a loved one’s body or that bus that could come out of nowhere and hit someone I care about. (Darn those buses). After accepting that I have no control, I turn to the One who does. God created the world and everything in it. He positioned it in space at just the right spot so we don’t burst into flames or turn into popsicles. He knows the big pictures while still being able to attend to every minute detail. Needless to say, He has a plan. He knows my concerns and doesn’t mind when I voice them to Him. He’s my comfort.

After realizing how great and powerful God is and talking with Him about the things bothering me, I find myself filled with peace. Those worries and fears aren’t so big in the light of eternity and God’s glory. I’ll admit that some days are harder than others and I may have to go through the process several times to keep feeling that peace. It seems that it’s human nature to forget the goodness and faithfulness of God. However, I’ve found that the more you recognize His power and give thanks to Him, the easier it becomes to remember.

It all boils back down to having that relationship with God. He came to us first, openly and honestly, through his Word and His Spirit working in our hearts. It is our responsibility to be open and honest in return. Only He can take our vulnerabilities and make us stronger.

2010: The Year of No Fear

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. It seems that my generation is one fueled by fear. We stay in undesirable situations because we're too scared to get out of them. There seems to be more cases of depression, anxiety and panic attacks than there ever have been. We're scared of people, but we're also scared to be alone. While social networking sites allow us to connect and communicate with more people than ever, we've never been so lonely and poor at communication. We build walls to prevent getting hurt, yet we hurt because we never opened ourselves up to others.

We're scared. We fear war, we fear people, we fear not having the proper health care, we fear terminal illness, we fear death, we fear life.

It seems the only thing most of us don't fear is God - the one thing that has any real power over us.

Without going into it too deeply at this point, the reason why we fear so many things that we shouldn't is because we don't fear the things that we should. When we live with our sights set on higher things, the other stuff doesn't seem like such a big deal. If we are in God's will, we don't fear quite as much because we know that He has a plan. Even if that plan brings us some temporary harm or pain, we can rest in knowing that God is in control and He's going to do what He wants anyway. That takes the pressure off our backs.

Towards the end of 2009, I was writing in my journal and decided to flip back to some previous entries. I happened across an entry that was almost a full year earlier. After reading it, I realized that I was still doing the same thing that I had been doing, meaning I hadn't made much progress in a year. I was still trying to reach the same goals and still lamenting over the same things. Not much had changed. This revelation was a bit of a slap in the face. I hadn't progressed in a year? That seemed like a long time to still be sitting in the same place. I knew that I had to change.

So this is my change. I started the end of 2009 by taking a few steps, but things such as the holidays thwarted some of my focus. I figured the new year was a good chance to get back on track. While I'm not ready to share all of the goals I made, I will share one that has hung over me like a dark cloud for sometime. I have 20-30 extra unneeded pounds on my body. While I'm not fat, I'm not in the best shape either. I say that I'm going to lose some weight, eat healthier and get more fit, and sometimes I get off to a good start, but I never quite complete the goal and keep it.

I decided to look at the reasons why I haven't met this goal. I really like food, especially bad for you food. I'm lazy at times; I just don't want to work out. I get caught up with work. Friends and family want to hang out over food. Lots of typical reasons. Then I looked at what's underneath that. I can't help but think that a part of me fears this change. I've always, for as long as I can remember, have had a little extra weight on me. Part of the laziness is fear of going out there and changing something. If I lose the weight, there could be more expectations of me. People could think differently of me than they do now (which could be good and bad). If I get more fit, I might become less fun. Yes, that's really a fear. What if I don't like eating ice cream and chocolate and cheeseburgers as much? What if I have to be THAT person who brings the boring healthy snack to the party? Or what if I become that annoying fitness person? Would it all be completely bad?

I've had to come to grips with these questions and start facing them. I've decided that the changes are worth it. I've already started working on this healthier lose weight goal and I'm liking the way my abs are starting to look. I'm accepting that the changes are good and they are worth the work and sacrifice. I've also decided to set another goal to get me to the weight loss goal and that is to be sure I participate in the Mud Run this year, and not just participate but do better than I did the last time I competed. Having that goal will keep me more accountable to the other ones.

The first step in overcoming fear and inducing change (change can be scary in itself) is shining light on that fear and facing it for what it is. 1 John 1: 5-10 explains this well.

5This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all.
6If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth;
7but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.
8If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us.
9If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
10If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us.

God is Light and the only way to eradicate sin is to put the Light on it, so there is no place for it to hide. You may not have thought of this in reference to fear, but a lot of fear has to do with sin. Think about it. How have your fears caused you to sin? Have they caused you to overeat and/or misuse substances, thus disrespecting your body? Have your fears prevented you from sharing Christ with someone with whom you had the opportunity to share? Are your fears preventing you from just talking to God openly and honestly? Do they hinder your relationships with other people and break fellowship within the body of Christ? Satan uses these fears to keep us out of the game. He lets us hide our fears in his darkness, leading us to believe that we're unique in the way we feel. He tells us that his is just part of our personality or genetic make-up (I'm just a shy person. It's in my genes to be overweight. My mother was a worrier and so am I. I don't have the skills/wisdom/education to do that. Etc.) to fear the way that we do. Satan accepts our excuses and whispers to us that it's okay and that we should continue to stay in our dark corners. Satan holds us close and tells us that it's enough to just be "part of the team" and warm the bench. He just seems so nice and accepting of us and our flaws.

But God wants something more for us. When we let Him, he pours out His light into our dark corners and calls out our fears for the sin that they are. He accepts none of our excuses and tells us that we can be better than what we are. God pulls us off of our comfortable bench and throws us into the game, coaching us all the way. He encourages us to get out there and risk failure. He can appear ruthless, mean even, to demand more from us, even though He's fully aware of our flaws. He's no stranger to uncomfortable situations.

The truth is, and I think you already know it, God does what He does because He loves us, not because He's sadistic or it's easy for Him. Satan, on the other hand, will use any means necessary, even if it is the guise of love and affection, to be sure that we stay in the dark.

Who are you listening to? What fears are you clutching close in the dark? The first, often most difficult step, is just to admit these fears and hand them over to God.

$20 per Week Food Challenge

I've set several goals for the new year. You might call them resolutions, but I think they're more than that. And they were mostly things that I was working on before the new year arrived, so I don't think I can call them New Years Resolutions. This time I've written down about four things that I really want to accomplish this year along with why I want to accomplish this things and how I might make the accomplishment actually happen. I'm going to try to keep a bit of a journal on here about some of the goals to 1) show my progress and 2) hold myself accountable without actually blabbing about it to a bunch of people ... at least yet. I know that hardly no one checks this blog or even knows it exists, so I can write fairly freely. I still realize that it is available for whomever wishes to view it, but know that hardly anyone besides myself will. Freedom and accountability all wrapped up into one.

I suppose a theme in my life right now is overcoming fear. I've been pondering that a lot lately and thinking about why we don't do the things we want to do, as in going after our dreams. A lot of it boils down to the fact that we're afraid. I've decided to make 2010 about pegging the real things that I'm afraid of and working to overcome them. This goes hand in hand with our relationship with God. I plan to work this into a Bible study for the summer, so I'll write more specifically on the fear thing in a bit. First though, I want to concentrate on one of my goals and that's saving money.

I'll be honest that 2009 sucked when it came to business and making money. It also sucked in saving money. I had to pull from the savings that I was building in 2008. Come to think of it 2009 sucked in a lot of ways, but I suppose it could have been worse. Anyway, after looking at the numbers for 2009, (I hate looking at the numbers, by the way, another fear I have to overcome) I realized that a change was in order. The first change I need to make is to get more work in to generate more income. 2010 has already started with more projects and I feel a greater confidence in my work right now. I think that's another area where fear has hurt me. I've been afraid to take on lots of projects and stretch myself. That fear is fortunately fading.

The second thing that I realized I needed to do was save more money. Looking over receipts and spending patterns, it's obvious that most of my expenses go to food. I'm not a big spender anyway, but where I do spend, I can probably cut a few costs. I want to save more money first of all to be responsible and have something for a rainy day. I've realized that deep down one of the fears that is stopping me from all this is that if I do have enough to fully support myself, I'll feel as if I'm truly alone. Right now I get help from my parents. They are graciously there to catch me when I fall. There's this subconscious part of me that really enjoys being dependent. I've always been dependent and it's a safe place for me. Even though the fear that once I become independent, I'll no longer have anyone but myself is totally untrue and illogical, I've been believing the lie for sometime on a level that I didn't even know existed. Now that I can call the fear out for what it is, I can progress.

My other reason for wanting to save more money is so I can give more money. I want to help others. The first step in doing that is to help myself less. Honestly, my spending shows that I'm selfish. This needs to stop. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not against ever doing something nice for yourself, but I feel that I do nice things for myself perhaps a little too much. This is why I'm trying to implement the $20/week challenge for myself.

My goal is to try to spend only $20/week on food for myself. If I can manage, I would like for it to be $20/week total, but I know sometimes that is unrealistic. Items like toilet paper, paper towels, shampoo, soap, toothpaste, etc. can add up too, but they are necessities. When I go to get my oil changed, I know it will cost more than $20, so that will blow the plan for that week anyway, which is why I'm going to focus on food first. I'm also trying to lose some weight and get healthier, so cutting back on food spending might also help me cut back on food. Most of us eat way more than we need to anyway.

I must confess that this month I have pretty much already failed at this challenge. I'm forcing myself to look at the numbers though (already overcoming fears!) and evaluate why I'm failing. My biggest pitfall is friends. They want me to hang out with them, so that usually means going out to eat together. I've eaten out four times this month and it has all been due to social activities. One was for a birthday party, another was a going away party. One a friend called and just wanted to grab lunch and I hadn't seen him in a long time, so I agreed. The other was a Sunday School outing. Looking at the receipts though, I think I still could have gone out and cut some costs. This is just where discipline is going to have to take place.

Now, looking at the grocery department, I am actually right on the goal. So far a little under $40 has been spent on food from the grocery store. I'm looking into this web site called Southern Savers, created by a midlands lady, to see if I can work on cutting the grocery bill down even more with coupons and on sale deals. I'll let you know how that works when I figure out how to use it.

I think these "projects" I'm performing on myself will teach me more about who I am and show me more of who I want to be. I'll continue to analyze as we go, but will stop here for now. Next up will be a post on fear in general.

Rough Ramblings to Later Form Real Thoughts

Sooo, I've gotten a lot of my "to-do" list completed. I'm still working on my office. Last night I got a camera light working that I have had for a few years that I thought was completely broken. I felt quite accomplished with that. It wasn't even on the list of things to do. I've also rediscovered my old 35mm SLR camera and took pictures tonight. Now I'm anxious to take them to get developed tomorrow and see how they turn out. I hope there are still places that develop film without it costing an arm and a leg.

Anyway, I thought I'd churn out a few ideas for the Stupid World blog here.

Today I was running a bit late to meet Cristin and Anna for lunch. I had to go to Wal-Mart and decided that it would make me late, but not too late. I did call Cristin and ran the decision to go to Wally World before lunch and she was cool with it. Still, I didn't want to be that late, so of course, there are tons of people out on the road, a little bit of road construction and the general stupidity of large people trying to drive at one time. I made it through Wal-Mart relatively unscathed and then had to try to manuever out of the parking lot.

Have you ever noticed that when you are in a hurry, everything seems to be going slower. People move slower, the line is longer, it's like you're always moving against the traffic. While it doesn't really make sense for us to hurry when we can't control how fast we move, to stress out when we can't control traffic or the weather or any other circumstances, we still do. We act like getting angry and flustered will make things move along in our favor. Anyway, as I was trying to get out of the parking lot, I decided to take a path that was longer in distance, but looked like it would be shorter with the traffic. Well, as usual when it comes to lines and such, I misjudged what would be shorter. So, I waited. When I finally got my turn to turn onto the road that would lead me out of that place, I had to wait more for none other than an older man driving a scooter...not a moped like scooter, but something more like a Hoveround. He had a cardboard box bungeed around the front of his scooter and proceeded to make a left turn into the Wal-Mart parking lot. I'm pretty sure that you're not allowed to drive scooters onto the road like that. While I was annoyed, I could help but laugh at the absurdity of the situation.


The next thing that I've been thinking about is how stupid people are when they rush into marriage. I know several people doing that lately. People feel the bliss of being in love for a few months and can't imagine their lives being without it. So, they think that getting married is going to preserve all of that. Sometimes one parter in the relationship feels the need to commit more than the other. Usually it is the man, or at least it appears to be the man since traditionally the man is the one to propose. When both people in the relationship aren't on the same page, it can create a majorly awkward moment.

My friend Lauren showed me some hilarious videos on YouTube starring the "Keyboard Cat." After an awkward moment occurs, the Keyboard Cat plays them off. Here is one to illustrate what I'm talking about.




I wish there was a Keyboard Cat to play us off in all moments of stupidity, awkwardness and bad times. It would make everything so much better. Here are a few more funny ones.

Brain Dumping

Because I haven't written here in quite sometime and because I don't really advertise this "blog," I thought that this might be a good place to just test things out and possibly type through my thoughts when I don't feel like writing them down on paper. Of course, this won't get too personal since it is still going on the World Wide Web, however, I know almost no one will ever check this out, so I feel comfortable using this as a testing ground.

Today was Memorial Day. I appreciated my freedom that has been made possible by our armed forces (thank you, armed forces!) by beginning "Spring Cleaning" at the house. I'm trying to make use of Micheal while he is still here and doesn't have a million things going on. He went out and cut grass. I stayed inside and cleaned all day. I tackled my bedroom first and got it cleaned up and organized. Then I took care of the hallway and the spare bedroom. I made a pretty big difference with the spare room. It was starting to get quite cluttered. I like that room because it is pretty empty. There's something about empty rooms that I like. I think it's the acoustics. With that room, I started to make a little area to start collecting costumes for videos that I hope to be putting together for my Sunday School class. Then I took care of the living room.

What I really liked about today was that I made a detailed "To-do" list and was able to check things off and see progress. I feel like I've been missing that in my life lately. So much of what I do with work and even in church is hard to visibly measure like cleaning the house. I got the majority of my list checked off today. I didn't get to my office like I wanted (I'm still sitting among a good amount of clutter), but I plan on finishing the office tomorrow. I'm also going to make Micheal help with the kitchen. He didn't get to that like I wanted him to, but he's been trying to ignore his way out of it, so it won't happen till I press him to clean it.

I know there's a great spiritual lesson/analogy in here, but my legs are hurting from sitting in this chair, so I'm not going to flesh it out right now. I will say that right now, I've been dwelling on discipline--the idea of it and trying to obtain it. I think the other reason why I've actually enjoyed this day of cleaning; I feel like I've been able to have a task and complete it. I feel like I've been lacking self-control lately and it is starting to bother me. This lack isn't showing in me doing bad things like becoming a drunk or getting into stuff along those lines, but it seems to be showing in laziness, which probably is worse than becoming a drunk. Laziness is just more socially acceptable, so it doesn't get frowned upon or recognized as much as it should.

I could also go on about how I'm trying to simplify by getting rid of the clutter in my house (thus leading to the elimination of clutter in my life). I didn't have time today to really sit down and go through some things like I need to, but that is also on the list for later. There are some things that are just taking up space and need to go. I have lots of clothes in particular that I do not wear, clothes that are now to "young" for me. I say that because I still have things that I had when I was 12. That's what happens when you quit growing at 12; you still have a tendency to hang onto things just because they fit.

Anyway, I hope that this cleaning, decluttering and accomplishing in the house translates to other areas of my life. I really needed today. I'm thankful for today and pray that it springboards into more goodness tomorrow and the following days. I don't know how things are going to come together, but I know that they somehow will.

A test mp3