2010: The Year of No Fear

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. It seems that my generation is one fueled by fear. We stay in undesirable situations because we're too scared to get out of them. There seems to be more cases of depression, anxiety and panic attacks than there ever have been. We're scared of people, but we're also scared to be alone. While social networking sites allow us to connect and communicate with more people than ever, we've never been so lonely and poor at communication. We build walls to prevent getting hurt, yet we hurt because we never opened ourselves up to others.

We're scared. We fear war, we fear people, we fear not having the proper health care, we fear terminal illness, we fear death, we fear life.

It seems the only thing most of us don't fear is God - the one thing that has any real power over us.

Without going into it too deeply at this point, the reason why we fear so many things that we shouldn't is because we don't fear the things that we should. When we live with our sights set on higher things, the other stuff doesn't seem like such a big deal. If we are in God's will, we don't fear quite as much because we know that He has a plan. Even if that plan brings us some temporary harm or pain, we can rest in knowing that God is in control and He's going to do what He wants anyway. That takes the pressure off our backs.

Towards the end of 2009, I was writing in my journal and decided to flip back to some previous entries. I happened across an entry that was almost a full year earlier. After reading it, I realized that I was still doing the same thing that I had been doing, meaning I hadn't made much progress in a year. I was still trying to reach the same goals and still lamenting over the same things. Not much had changed. This revelation was a bit of a slap in the face. I hadn't progressed in a year? That seemed like a long time to still be sitting in the same place. I knew that I had to change.

So this is my change. I started the end of 2009 by taking a few steps, but things such as the holidays thwarted some of my focus. I figured the new year was a good chance to get back on track. While I'm not ready to share all of the goals I made, I will share one that has hung over me like a dark cloud for sometime. I have 20-30 extra unneeded pounds on my body. While I'm not fat, I'm not in the best shape either. I say that I'm going to lose some weight, eat healthier and get more fit, and sometimes I get off to a good start, but I never quite complete the goal and keep it.

I decided to look at the reasons why I haven't met this goal. I really like food, especially bad for you food. I'm lazy at times; I just don't want to work out. I get caught up with work. Friends and family want to hang out over food. Lots of typical reasons. Then I looked at what's underneath that. I can't help but think that a part of me fears this change. I've always, for as long as I can remember, have had a little extra weight on me. Part of the laziness is fear of going out there and changing something. If I lose the weight, there could be more expectations of me. People could think differently of me than they do now (which could be good and bad). If I get more fit, I might become less fun. Yes, that's really a fear. What if I don't like eating ice cream and chocolate and cheeseburgers as much? What if I have to be THAT person who brings the boring healthy snack to the party? Or what if I become that annoying fitness person? Would it all be completely bad?

I've had to come to grips with these questions and start facing them. I've decided that the changes are worth it. I've already started working on this healthier lose weight goal and I'm liking the way my abs are starting to look. I'm accepting that the changes are good and they are worth the work and sacrifice. I've also decided to set another goal to get me to the weight loss goal and that is to be sure I participate in the Mud Run this year, and not just participate but do better than I did the last time I competed. Having that goal will keep me more accountable to the other ones.

The first step in overcoming fear and inducing change (change can be scary in itself) is shining light on that fear and facing it for what it is. 1 John 1: 5-10 explains this well.

5This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all.
6If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth;
7but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.
8If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us.
9If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
10If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us.

God is Light and the only way to eradicate sin is to put the Light on it, so there is no place for it to hide. You may not have thought of this in reference to fear, but a lot of fear has to do with sin. Think about it. How have your fears caused you to sin? Have they caused you to overeat and/or misuse substances, thus disrespecting your body? Have your fears prevented you from sharing Christ with someone with whom you had the opportunity to share? Are your fears preventing you from just talking to God openly and honestly? Do they hinder your relationships with other people and break fellowship within the body of Christ? Satan uses these fears to keep us out of the game. He lets us hide our fears in his darkness, leading us to believe that we're unique in the way we feel. He tells us that his is just part of our personality or genetic make-up (I'm just a shy person. It's in my genes to be overweight. My mother was a worrier and so am I. I don't have the skills/wisdom/education to do that. Etc.) to fear the way that we do. Satan accepts our excuses and whispers to us that it's okay and that we should continue to stay in our dark corners. Satan holds us close and tells us that it's enough to just be "part of the team" and warm the bench. He just seems so nice and accepting of us and our flaws.

But God wants something more for us. When we let Him, he pours out His light into our dark corners and calls out our fears for the sin that they are. He accepts none of our excuses and tells us that we can be better than what we are. God pulls us off of our comfortable bench and throws us into the game, coaching us all the way. He encourages us to get out there and risk failure. He can appear ruthless, mean even, to demand more from us, even though He's fully aware of our flaws. He's no stranger to uncomfortable situations.

The truth is, and I think you already know it, God does what He does because He loves us, not because He's sadistic or it's easy for Him. Satan, on the other hand, will use any means necessary, even if it is the guise of love and affection, to be sure that we stay in the dark.

Who are you listening to? What fears are you clutching close in the dark? The first, often most difficult step, is just to admit these fears and hand them over to God.

$20 per Week Food Challenge

I've set several goals for the new year. You might call them resolutions, but I think they're more than that. And they were mostly things that I was working on before the new year arrived, so I don't think I can call them New Years Resolutions. This time I've written down about four things that I really want to accomplish this year along with why I want to accomplish this things and how I might make the accomplishment actually happen. I'm going to try to keep a bit of a journal on here about some of the goals to 1) show my progress and 2) hold myself accountable without actually blabbing about it to a bunch of people ... at least yet. I know that hardly no one checks this blog or even knows it exists, so I can write fairly freely. I still realize that it is available for whomever wishes to view it, but know that hardly anyone besides myself will. Freedom and accountability all wrapped up into one.

I suppose a theme in my life right now is overcoming fear. I've been pondering that a lot lately and thinking about why we don't do the things we want to do, as in going after our dreams. A lot of it boils down to the fact that we're afraid. I've decided to make 2010 about pegging the real things that I'm afraid of and working to overcome them. This goes hand in hand with our relationship with God. I plan to work this into a Bible study for the summer, so I'll write more specifically on the fear thing in a bit. First though, I want to concentrate on one of my goals and that's saving money.

I'll be honest that 2009 sucked when it came to business and making money. It also sucked in saving money. I had to pull from the savings that I was building in 2008. Come to think of it 2009 sucked in a lot of ways, but I suppose it could have been worse. Anyway, after looking at the numbers for 2009, (I hate looking at the numbers, by the way, another fear I have to overcome) I realized that a change was in order. The first change I need to make is to get more work in to generate more income. 2010 has already started with more projects and I feel a greater confidence in my work right now. I think that's another area where fear has hurt me. I've been afraid to take on lots of projects and stretch myself. That fear is fortunately fading.

The second thing that I realized I needed to do was save more money. Looking over receipts and spending patterns, it's obvious that most of my expenses go to food. I'm not a big spender anyway, but where I do spend, I can probably cut a few costs. I want to save more money first of all to be responsible and have something for a rainy day. I've realized that deep down one of the fears that is stopping me from all this is that if I do have enough to fully support myself, I'll feel as if I'm truly alone. Right now I get help from my parents. They are graciously there to catch me when I fall. There's this subconscious part of me that really enjoys being dependent. I've always been dependent and it's a safe place for me. Even though the fear that once I become independent, I'll no longer have anyone but myself is totally untrue and illogical, I've been believing the lie for sometime on a level that I didn't even know existed. Now that I can call the fear out for what it is, I can progress.

My other reason for wanting to save more money is so I can give more money. I want to help others. The first step in doing that is to help myself less. Honestly, my spending shows that I'm selfish. This needs to stop. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not against ever doing something nice for yourself, but I feel that I do nice things for myself perhaps a little too much. This is why I'm trying to implement the $20/week challenge for myself.

My goal is to try to spend only $20/week on food for myself. If I can manage, I would like for it to be $20/week total, but I know sometimes that is unrealistic. Items like toilet paper, paper towels, shampoo, soap, toothpaste, etc. can add up too, but they are necessities. When I go to get my oil changed, I know it will cost more than $20, so that will blow the plan for that week anyway, which is why I'm going to focus on food first. I'm also trying to lose some weight and get healthier, so cutting back on food spending might also help me cut back on food. Most of us eat way more than we need to anyway.

I must confess that this month I have pretty much already failed at this challenge. I'm forcing myself to look at the numbers though (already overcoming fears!) and evaluate why I'm failing. My biggest pitfall is friends. They want me to hang out with them, so that usually means going out to eat together. I've eaten out four times this month and it has all been due to social activities. One was for a birthday party, another was a going away party. One a friend called and just wanted to grab lunch and I hadn't seen him in a long time, so I agreed. The other was a Sunday School outing. Looking at the receipts though, I think I still could have gone out and cut some costs. This is just where discipline is going to have to take place.

Now, looking at the grocery department, I am actually right on the goal. So far a little under $40 has been spent on food from the grocery store. I'm looking into this web site called Southern Savers, created by a midlands lady, to see if I can work on cutting the grocery bill down even more with coupons and on sale deals. I'll let you know how that works when I figure out how to use it.

I think these "projects" I'm performing on myself will teach me more about who I am and show me more of who I want to be. I'll continue to analyze as we go, but will stop here for now. Next up will be a post on fear in general.