The Fear of Success

There’s this lie I believe. I know it’s not true, but I still find myself following it. I tend to believe that not everything can go right, that as soon as life becomes good and starts “falling into place,” something horrible is going to happen to make sure things don’t get too good. This is life after all.

I’ve realized that even though I love God and associate Him with love and grace and all that is good and right in the world, I can also quickly view Him as a cruel puppet master just waiting for the optimal time to bring in the drama. I perceive God manages this balancing act with our lives where only so much good can happen for so much bad.

This is where the lie starts to take its toll. When everything in my life is going great and possibly “as planned,” I start to get nervous. While it doesn’t make sense, anxiety will creep in. My body goes into alert and I cautiously peek around corners like the boogyman may jump out instead of walking with confidence. I just know that something’s going to unravel the dream.

Then comes the self-sabotage. Because I believe that something bad is going to happen anyway, I abort the mission. For instance, in trying to lose weight, I’ll get off to a good start, but will eventually get nervous that perhaps all my hard work will be in vain. I figure with my luck, I’ll lose all the weight and get hit by a bus the next day … or even worse, right after I step off of the scale. That’s right, one will come plowing into my house and run me over.

Sometimes it feels like life happens that way, albeit not as extreme. Not long ago I checked my e-mail and received two great pieces of news, so I called my mom to share. She in turn told me that the skin cancer cells on my grandfather’s nose had returned and that he was going to see another specialist. The doctor would try to remove everything, but if he couldn’t, there wouldn’t be anything that he could do. The cancer would spread to his brain and cause a cruel, horrible death.

What a contrast. One minute I was up in the air only to be brought down again. It’s times like these I’m tempted to believe the lie because it looks so true. The truth though, is that good things happen and bad things happen. There’s good in this world and there’s evil. The Bible promises us trials; it doesn’t sugarcoat anything. God’s word is honest.

I’ve been trying to cover myself in that truth, knowing that this world isn’t the end. When I start to panic over tragedy that could happen, first, I remind myself that nothing bad has happened yet. In the present moment everything is fine. It also helps at this point to start recognizing all the good things that I have, even the “little” provisions, and thank God for them. Then I ask myself if there’s anything I can do to prevent this tragedy that hasn’t happened yet. 9.75 times out of 10 the answer is, “no,” so I accept that I have no control over that hidden brain tumor that could possibly be infiltrating my or a loved one’s body or that bus that could come out of nowhere and hit someone I care about. (Darn those buses). After accepting that I have no control, I turn to the One who does. God created the world and everything in it. He positioned it in space at just the right spot so we don’t burst into flames or turn into popsicles. He knows the big pictures while still being able to attend to every minute detail. Needless to say, He has a plan. He knows my concerns and doesn’t mind when I voice them to Him. He’s my comfort.

After realizing how great and powerful God is and talking with Him about the things bothering me, I find myself filled with peace. Those worries and fears aren’t so big in the light of eternity and God’s glory. I’ll admit that some days are harder than others and I may have to go through the process several times to keep feeling that peace. It seems that it’s human nature to forget the goodness and faithfulness of God. However, I’ve found that the more you recognize His power and give thanks to Him, the easier it becomes to remember.

It all boils back down to having that relationship with God. He came to us first, openly and honestly, through his Word and His Spirit working in our hearts. It is our responsibility to be open and honest in return. Only He can take our vulnerabilities and make us stronger.